late
February 12, 2008
cant sleep at all
been going through these creative bursts i know i need sleep but i dont want to stop poetry fiction autobio music art woodwork i am so ill at ease with myself
thats an odd notion
but only i suppose because these creative bursts leave me feeling like im on the verge of myself
16
November 27, 2007
I never had sex. Not like the others. I never crawled under blankets or skipped gym or messed around at the movies. The movies. That was the first place they started. I was always more interested in what came on the screen. You know? Like their lives were more real—Cliché? Well, I may be only 16 and I may only be in high school, but if there is one thing that is clear—beyond a doubt, it’s that clichés exist. I spent a long time trying to fight them, you know, become something that clearly wasn’t what they thought I would be. Now, I just try to get by. Pause Sometimes all it takes is a little more foundation.
I never drank or did any drugs-well, I did-do smoke. That one started up in the usual fashion I guess. I was waiting for the bus one afternoon and this guy came over and sat next to me. I must’ve been really spazed out because he laughed and said “girl, you need something to take off the edge.” I looked at him and he took the cigg out of his mouth and passed it over. I held it awkwardly and he laughed—smoke spilling like steam out of his mouth. I shrugged and took a drag—just a little one, and backfired. I was about to hand it over when I saw the filter. It had a lipstick ring on it. I brought my hand up, but suddenly remembered I didn’t wear lipstick. In fact I never wore any makeup, not even that stupid pen glitter shit. He took the smoke from me and winked.
That’s when I noticed: foundation. A hint of stubble. Shadow. And rather smooth hands.
The bus came and on we went. I learned a lot that day. Mostly how a 16 year old girl became a 30 year old man. But also, how a 16 year old girl can be herself.
Cliché? Probably. (takes out cigarettes) But not like the others. And besides (lights cigg)… inhales and looks out… (as fact) well… exhales
